So I’m giving a second chance to love and its beauty. This time though I’m taking things in a different way. Always think ahead, but never let it stop me from feeling, because feeling is living. I’m glad I didn’t stay stuck at the phase I was in a couple of months ago, refusing to believe in the positive things in life. I’m happier than I’ve been in a long-ass time. I am myself again, and with someone who loves me for it. Who actually fell in love with who he saw I was rather than who he thought I was. And that’s the best kind of falling in love you can find. It feels good. It feels right. And if I have to hurt again in the end, so be it. It’s part of life and I can’t avoid it forever. But I don’t think it’s going to hit me as hard as it did before, first because I felt it once, and second because I’m stronger, and that wall I’ve built in 4 months is still there to protect me.

So this was the highlight of how I have begun to think and feel in the past months. Well, actually, it started around January 1st. So I guess I’ve applied the “New year, new ways of thinking” shenanigan.

Over the holiday I’ve done many things. Discovered new bars, met new people, applied new ways of thinking, went to a cottage for a week, worked a a sh*t load of hours and made lots of money which I spent all of it during the holiday (as always), bought a TV, went to the spa, went skating, partied a lot too, and took a chance on love. I loved my holiday.

After seeing my CRC score of the past semester, I really, really wanna work hard this semester to get higher grades than I usually get ’cause I know that my laziness keeps me from getting good grades. If I was not that lazy, my grades would be a lot higher.

So here are my resolutions for 2012:

• Get better grades,
• Take it day by day, no stress, no worries,
• Be more healthy.

You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.

- Bob Marley

Life used to be so much easier. Getting hurt was less painful. Losing friends didn’t make me feel as lonely. Being alone was never an option. When missing a test you could just take it back another day. You would never eat alone on lunchtime. Weekends didn’t mean having to wake up early in the morning to get some money, but rather sleeping in and wondering what you’re gonna do and with who.

It’s funny how you talk about real friends and BFFs in High School, thinking they’ll always be the same throughout your whole life. But life doesn’t stand still once you graduate. Life gets harder. More serious. More complicated. Brings more pain, more disappointment than when you were only 16. Life is enhanced by a hundred near adulthood. And I would be lying if I said I wasn’t afraid of what the future has in store for me.

You say you just wanna love but when it’s close enough You just let it go Of everything you’ve been the most afraid of.

So I’ve (yes I, as in I am sick of writing “she” instead of ME) been good. Very good actually. Although finals have taken lots of my time, as well as video games, work and friends. I never have nothing to do. But there was this one week where I was weak and needed him back in my life, wrapping his arms around me and telling me that everything is going to be okay. That’s what I needed on that most stressful week because that is how I used to get by my tough times: with him. But that phase is done. I just had a weak moment and it took over me, something I have not let happen since this summer. But I am still very happy although very tired haha.

On the opposite side I’ve been thinking a lot about this person. But I’m scared to hurt again. I know it doesn’t always have to hurt, but in my case it always has. So that’s what I expect.

But it’s too early to think of early for now. What’s my problem? Oh yeah, I think too much ahead.

I’m breaking my own heart.

She’ll just take it smooth and see what happens.

She hasn’t been disappointed yet.

He makes her happy. Although the chances of them being together are very slim, she appreciates what she can get, and wouldn’t trade it off for anything in the world.

Later, her friend asked her why she kept those messages instead of just deleting them. After all, they were from a past that she never wanted to go back in time for. But the answer was the realizations she had. She needed those messages to remember what she felt for him, true love. She wanted to remember what that feeling was so she could recognize it a mile away in the future. And she needed those messages to remember how she hurt, how much she cried, how much she gave to him to a point where she just wasn’t thinking of herself anymore. She needed to remember all those so she wouldn’t repeat the same mistakes.

Nothing more.

She will never go back to wanting him again. She knows better.

She could never thank her friend enough for everything he does to her, for her.

She’s surrounded by amazing people she never wants to lose.

So basically, here’s the story of it. She lost herself. She made him her entire world, she depended on him over every single thing. And when he left her, she had nothing. Getting back up was like learning to live again. It felt like she had moved away, and had to start fresh, which she did. With no regrets.

That day she went to the beach, she realized that she did not want him to control her life anymore. She didn’t want to depend on whether he still wanted to be with her or still love her. That day, when she had this very interesting girl-talk at the beach with H and C, that’s when she realized that she missed girl-bonding a lot more than she thought she did. Getting closer to H, C, K and T was, like I previously said, like moving away and having to make new friends and adapt to a new way of life.

Moving on from him was her new way of life that she had to learn to do by herself. And it made her stronger than she ever was before.

For some unexplainable reason, she just had a flashback of when her ex came back from his London/Paris trip which lasted a week, when they were still together. She remembers how he literally ran into her arms, and how she thought she was going to die chocking so much he was holding her tightly in his grasp.

This isn’t the first time it happens. That she gets flashbacks of her past relationship. But it’s not in a bad way. Sometimes, the good flashbacks help her remember how it feels to feel happy with somebody, whether it was reciprocal or not, whether it was real happiness or just make-believe.

All she knows, is that the kind of flashback she gets like the one she just got from the welcome back hug, is the kind of flashback that fills her heart with warmth and that she will cherish forever. She felt loved during that moment, that evening. And she would not trade that moment for anything, and never will she forget it, nor regret it.